Tuesday, 20 October 2015

How to talk honestly and truly with myself and with others?

A space to grow and learn from within -     

There is truly a space within all of us that discovers its existence in peace and when we are connected with self. People often struggle to connect with it not because they don’t want to or they can’t spare time, but mainly because of their own fear and some judgments about themselves which acts as triggers and doesn’t allow them to face things.

Last week, with Eklavya team at Hoshangabad (Pipariya) we discussed on the same looking at it through the NVC lens. We together discussed on how at times, what I talk really doesn’t mean the same, what the other person hears or was willing to share? At times, it is just difficult to speak to others and myself due to the numerous judgments I carry about myself. For me at that point it’s essential to connect with myself and understand my own needs.
We also discussed then what kind of needs, generally come up and how do you know if it is really a need or maybe it’s only a strategy and not a need? May be its was quite challenging to first understand the difference between need and strategy and we looked at different examples to understand this particular concept.

Need- For me if I want to eat a pizza or a burger or rice, my need may be food (physical) or may be a need for choice whereas other things like what I really eat is just a means  for me. Similarly if I want to buy a car, car cannot be my need, my need will be either let’s say ease, space or growth whereas car is just one of my strategies to meet those needs. If someone offers me a strategy where I can go in an A.C. bus to my office, I might drop and look at this second strategy as an alternative.

We also then came out with different needs for ourselves, with which we struggle every day. Many experiences came in where team members shared how at times, when we talk something honestly and with good intention, then also the other person becomes angry and becomes irritated.

Then we did a small round, where people took different situations from their life, where they shared that situation, then the need that they connected with most and the feeling connected with it. This gave them confidence to connect more with what was alive in them, at that moment.

Brijesh sharing his experience with the help of Need and Feeling Cards, during the session. 

Brijesh, Nanda and Varsha shared their stories where they clearly said that if we talk honestly, then we are OUT from the place. So that also means there is a huge need of security, safety and trust before you speak honestly to others. At this point when I asked them to do a role play where 3 of them are talking to one X person  and then told them to pick the needs card which might be their need at that point. Then I asked the group to pick one NEED’s card for the other person X to whom they are actually talking to. And see what they discovered…..??
So, the other person’s need is so different than mine right now, so how can he welcome my agenda and that too when I am at his place/ home or territory? He is all together at a different height from where I am observing things. So, when we slowly reflect back on the needs card and look at both the beautiful needs, the first thing we need to understand is
 And before we move ahead, we first have to decide whether we can listen to the person completely in our full awareness or we need to request the person to first listen to me. Empathy, is that’s why the core of Nonviolent communications.
Here we might need to ask:

1.      Do I have enough inner space to be able to listen to the other person fully?

This check in helps to much extent. Participants reflected in different groups on the same and then they worked in different situations where one was giving empathy and the other one was receiving.

After this was done, some interesting sharing that came were like this- (translated to English, originally was in Hindi)    
  •  For me I never knew I can be so particular about my feelings. These cards really made me full from inside.
  •       I always had a big conflict from within, that used to bother me, but that is because I was focusing more on strategies and not on needs. Now, I am happy to discover, that we can look at different strategies for the same needs.
  •       I am feeling confident because now I know, it’s not the other person’s mistake, it is just that his needs are different than me.
  •       I am relieved and feeling lighter. Happy to discover this.


  1. Looking for more space for learning and co-creation together with all.

  2. Very nice & meanigful. World can be such a wonderful place to be in by simply following these ideas...

    1. yes, it can be and for that it is essential to stay connected with our SELF and be conscious.
      Needs to be supported in a big way.

  3. Connection with the NEEDS is a Game changer !

    1. Yes, it is indeed Bodhisatva and the moment you start realizing its power, you see the world with a different lens. :)

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Bodhisatva, now I am working to spread NVC in regional languages, so that it can benefit the Indian community more.