"DYNAMICS OF "I UNDERSTAND BUT...."
It was the 16th Feb'14 evening at 7 p.m. when some bunch of young, passionate hearts decided to actually initiate the "Dil ki Zuban" (Hindustani Speaking N.V.C. Group)in a practical manner through Skype call. This initiative is not a new one,but I am involving now in it deeply. Today I would like to share with all of you how this first session made me feel from inside and how did it progressed. We were 5 people who gathered and what I realized in the course of discussion was that its so damn easy to say a line like:
" I understand you but..." or "I understand/know your feelings but...
|"I understand you friend but.....!!!"|
during the conversations with our friends, parents,relatives and many more. And its very normal and common way of speaking and addressing others. What I felt during the sharing and conversations is that the other person whom I am actually sharing this at times, really does not even connect to it and is not assured if he/She is actually being understood. There is also a bit of confusion in terms of the word "UNDERSTOOD" that looks very over whelming.
When this line is used, for me its like a 100% assurance when the person says I understand and then suddenly its 100% disappointment when I hear "BUT" ahead of it.
I swing in the laps of emotions and just can figure out which part of my conversation is really being empathized and understood by the other person. It works as a sword when it comes to relationships because there is a lot of love,connection, intimacy and trust around it and when some speaks this line, it just so painful and so struggling.
The struggle post that is also very insightful for me the way I see it. If some one says to me this line and want to convey that I am not comfortable with it and even I did not like it when you used it.
The challenge for me is I don't know how to share my this part of feelings without hurting him and at the same point sharing my honesty and meeting my own very needs of being truthful to myself for what I am.
What I am personally taking away from this online session:
- is to be very cautious of my words when I am listening to the other person.
- At times be silent and just listen because words might create confusion and lend the conversation in trouble which both of us never expected.
- There are other means and non violent ways through which one can share the same feelings of yes, I understand you. Its not always required to be verbal at times. Your gestures speaks more than words.
- Also its a self -reflection when I start asking myself am I really understanding the other person and to what extent? And is he relating to the same in that time and space given.
- Close relationships expectations are much more and certain words can just be so not apt.
- Respecting the pain and vulnerability of the other person is important but not at the cost of meeting your unmet needs. It can be a strategy at times but one needs to know it and be aware of his/her own.
|"INTENSE CONVERSATIONS AND THE VERY BOND OF LOVE AND CONNECTION IN THEM"|
Last but not the Least, I once again discovered the power of togetherness and trust takes you to higher level of peace and contentment. So happy to have this feeling rejuvenating in me in such a positive way. I am could connect to Shammi, Ananta,Avinash and Mungesh. Grateful for this connection. Shammi, your facilitation gave me lots of insights and if I really want to sum it up in one line: it was like river flowing with its full freedom and yet conscious about the risks, challenges and concerns around it. You dealt with this topic very beautifully.
Friends,stay connected to hear more from "DIL KI ZUBAN.."